I’m sorry for being drunk at the funeral.
It was an arms-in-the-air mistake
But no father should be burying his child.
Sixteen nights straight
Staying awake on tepid hospital coffee
Knowing every second might be her last
Not wanting to miss a moment
Even as her body turned Dickens’ grey
And the nurses ran in in slow motion
I could swear I saw the spirit leave the body.
The wake commotion.
Your father who was never there
Saying she could have been saved
If I had just been at home and cared more.
“Leave it! It’s not worth it!”
Old man on the village hall floor
Dabbing his nose
As they held me back
I swear he was smiling.
After that debacle
I was not welcome at your funeral
I ‘was not capable’ of arrangements
And then I was not invited
Strange how ‘families’ turn.
No one can stop me now though
Sitting by your stone in the pouring rain
Walkers passing might think they were tears
But Jesus, I wish I could cry.
I wish I could still feel.